The Lies We Tell Ourselves

“It’s not that bad.” 

“If I can just make it until after this project is over, then I’ll rest.”

“I have no other choice but to keep doing this thing (going to this job, staying in this relationship, etc.) that is making me miserable.”

These are all lies. Lies we tell ourselves because the fear of what would happen if we told ourselves the truth is too great.

If I let it be true that I’m exhausted in my bones, that my partner isn’t treating me with kindness and care, that my boss has been ignoring my pleas for more support for months/years, that my job fills me with dread every day, or that my body is shouting at me to slow down by creating chronic pain that keeps getting worse and worse, I might have to actually do something about it.

Instead, I distract or ignore these feelings as long as possible. I keep myself so busy, I don’t have any quiet time to actually look at these feelings. I focus on everyone else and what they need and want. I binge Netflix, binge eat, doom scroll, buy stuff I don’t need, plan my next vacation, anything to get a hit of dopamine and ultimately to escape from reality. To escape from what’s true. 

I do this because if I actually acknowledged the truth, I’d have to make major changes in my life. 

If I let it be true that I’m so exhausted I find little joy in life anymore and I’m walking around numb most of the time, I’d need to figure out how to give myself an extended break. I’d need to stop being the “strong one” who does it all seemingly effortlessly and doesn’t ask for anything from anyone else. I’d need to stop equating my value or worth with how productive I am. I’d have to learn how to rest. To be still. To do nothing and enjoy it. 

If I let it be true that my partner isn’t treating me like I matter, I’d have to have an honest conversation with them about their behavior, express my needs, and be prepared to take action if they continue treating me this way. I’d need to believe that I deserve to be with someone who considers me, understands me, values me, and works with me to solve our challenges. I’d have to trust that I can stand on my own two feet and to have faith in myself to figure out how to navigate a break up if I had to. I’d have to stop equating my value or worth with my relationship status. I’d have to learn how to be alone. To treat myself like I matter. To create a meaningful life as a single person.

If I let it be true that my boss/the company I work for has been ignoring my pleas for change (in salary, resources, more staffing, more time off, more work that I enjoy, more responsibility), I would have to change jobs. I’d have to believe that a better job exists, one that doesn’t leave me feeling depleted and resentful. I’d have to believe that I have valuable skills and experience and that another company would be thrilled to have me on their team. I’d have to know in my bones that I deserve more. I’d have to recognize that when a company/boss is aware of an employee’s needs/desires and consistently chooses not to acknowledge them, they’re making a statement that that employee doesn’t actually matter to them. And I’d have to declare to myself and the world that I will not work for people who don’t value me.

If I let it be true that my body is screaming at me to stop going down the path I’m on, I’d have to change my behavior. I’d have to actually learn how to prioritize myself over others. I’d have to learn to say “no” and be ok with people being disappointed. I’d have to try new self care practices and pay attention to how my body feels and what it responds well to. I’d have to trust that my body is wise and that its subtle messages and cues are extremely valuable guidance about how to navigate the world. I’d have to end certain relationships and friendships that send my nervous system into a tailspin. I’d have to risk being the “weird one” who refuses to be in loud environments because they’re overstimulating, doesn’t drink alcohol anymore because it gives me a headache, and can’t hang out all the time because I’m going to the gym instead. 

So how do we acknowledge what’s true without blowing up our lives? We start in little ways. 

Instead of answering a friend’s “How are you?” with a habitual “I’m ok”, we pause for a moment and tune in to what’s really true for us. We say, “I’m actually exhausted and pretty anxious today.” and we let ourselves receive the support that comes. 

Instead of pushing ourselves to just get to the end of the project to rest, we claim small moments of rest now. We take a 2 minute break to close our eyes and just breathe. We step outside to soak up the sun for 5 minutes. We turn the TV off 30 minutes earlier at night and cuddle with a pet, journal about our dreams for the future, or read something inspiring.

Instead of putting ourselves last, we identify one non-negotiable habit that nourishes us and only us. We say no to others when needed so that we can say yes to ourselves. 

Each of these tiny practices get us 1% closer to a life that feels authentic, honest, and aligned. It happens little by little and then all at once. The big changes that need to take place start to feel less daunting and more effortless. Because it’s not about exerting some Herculean effort to change everything, but rather it’s about releasing what’s no longer serving us so that only what’s true remains.

What truth have you been avoiding? What lies are you telling yourself? What can you shift to be 1% closer to your authentic life?