A Year Of Radical Rest: My 41st Birthday Reflection

Today is my 41st birthday. As I think back to one year ago, I am amazed at how much I’ve changed and grown since turning 40. 

One year ago I was burnt out, depressed, sleeping all the time, in gastrointestinal distress, experiencing intense physical pain every day, and had such low energy that it was all I could do to shower or feed myself each day. My doctor was at such a loss for what was wrong that she diagnosed me with fibromyalgia–even though my symptoms didn’t quite fit–just to give me some explanation.

I was just 3 weeks into my leave of absence from my job, and I couldn’t imagine ever working again. 

Ten months ago, I officially quit the job that hastened my decline into burnout. I asked my former employer for severance (which I know is typically reserved for those who are let go) but really what I was looking for were reparations–some acknowledgement that they played a major role in my current medical situation by ignoring all of my many requests for support. 

But instead of being treated with humanity and a sense of care, I got “It’s not our policy to give severance to people who voluntarily quit”.

I was on anti-depressants and starting to feel a subtle shift in my energy. Instead of sleeping all the time, I now was able to focus my attention on a task for a little while longer.

Nine months ago, my digestion was getting back to normal and my pain was starting to become more manageable, but now I was having night sweats (due to the antidepressants) and wasn’t sleeping. I began a month-long process of testing out different sleep medications until I found something that worked.

Incredibly, I started to feel my creative energy return and decided to invite some close friends and family to participate in a 6-week mindset coaching program I was certified in. Facilitating this program reminded me of what it can feel like when I am working in my zone of genius. 

Eight months ago, with my sleep, digestion, and pain more regulated, I began dreaming up what it could look like to start a coaching business. I immediately got excited by the idea and also extremely anxious that I didn’t have the energy to do something like this (and maybe I never would). 

At this point, I was still only able to work maybe 10 hours per week. 

I knew I needed to approach this differently than I had ever approached work before. In the past, work has been my identity, my creative outlet, my source of financial stability, my way to grow and stretch myself, my way to feel “enough”. 

In this new version of work, achievement wasn’t even on the table as a metric. My entire focus was not on the goal or outcome or freaking KPIs. It was on how I felt–physically, energetically, mentally.

So every day I woke up and asked myself “what’s the least I can do today?” 

What a radical question! 

I followed my energy and my curiosity. I allowed myself to deprogram from the capitalist cult of productivity. I put my body first.

I spent hours painting, going for very slow walks in the woods, doing aqua aerobics at the Y to move my body in ways that felt safe and supported, sitting in the rocker on my front porch and watching the clouds go by, and reading books that interested me.

I was no longer outputting or producing. I was 100% focused on nourishing my system.

Seven months ago, I launched a beta round of my group coaching program. I approached this with the “what’s the least I can do” mindset, too. And I quickly discovered that what I thought was the least, was actually way more than what was necessary. 

I started paring down the teaching portion of the coaching calls and leaving more and more space for on-the-spot coaching and conversation. Ahhh. I relaxed into more ease and at the same time felt more alive, more connected, and more purposeful.

Five months ago, I noticed I had gotten caught back into the cycle of doing and my system was getting overwhelmed again. I was probably working 15 hours per week and was doing some consulting projects on top of building my coaching business. It felt scary and a voice told me it was “irresponsible”, but I pulled back from the paying projects. 

I had noticed some pain returning in my body and a feeling of panic when I looked at my calendar. So, I honored what my system was telling me and let go of the paid work.

Four months ago, I started thinking in “sprints” and decided I would focus my energy on one primary question in my business for three months at a time. The first sprint’s question was, “What can I learn from exploring various networking opportunities (both local and virtual) and building relationships on a foundation other than something transactional?” 

Yes, I tracked the metrics related to this sprint, but I wasn’t trying to meet quotas or force results, I was just curious about what might happen.

What happened was unexpected and wonderful. I started to feel more and more connected to my local community, and ultimately a greater sense of belonging. I had lived here for four years but in the three months of this sprint I met more people than I had in those entire four years.

Two months ago, I started my second sprint with the question, “What would it feel like to lead workshops that help people feel more ease in their own life transitions?” Spoiler alert: It felt freaking fantastic! I got to experience a sense of mastery at my own skill as a facilitator (I must be over that 10,000 hour mark at this point). And I got to hear how meaningful it felt to people to connect with each other and feel seen and less alone.

One month ago, I got hooked back into the cult of capitalism again when I started feeling some financial pressure. My response to that pressure was to try to force my sweet little baby business to grow up overnight. For a stressful week or two, I marinated in the overwhelm, striving, mental efforting of it all. 

Then I remembered. I said to myself gently, “This is not the way, my love”.

As soon as I remembered, I felt the pressure lift. I accepted that I want to continue allowing my business to unfold in its own time. And I opened myself up to receive support in an easeful way. 

In the aftermath of this remembering, I suddenly noticed that my energy had increased even more. I was feeling stronger in my body, better able to focus on work for longer stretches, and I began to think maybe I could actually work a full-time job again some day. 

Do you know what a relief it is to think that thought after not knowing for an entire year if I would be functionally disabled for the rest of my life?

Today, I am so grateful to have had this year of radical rest. I am entering this next year equipped with a new relationship to my body, my emotions, my nervous system, my needs, and my energy. I have been so fortunate to have had the support of friends, an amazing coach, family, and community to get through this crucible moment. 

I can’t say “I wouldn’t change a thing” about this year because let’s be real, this was a brutal process of transformation, but I do feel like I leveled up in a way that will support me in experiencing a more beautiful life for decades to come.